My Fear

It has been ages since I wrote; and never before about my frights. I mean, internet (a.k.a social network) is not the place to reveal your insecurities. Though being in a secure, loving family; married to the most trust worthy guy I’ve ever known, having life-long male friends, etc my fears of being mishandled has not reduced. As I grew older, my fears have only increased.

The wounds caused by few incidents in the by-gone days and experiences shared by my girlfriends were deep. They have definitely healed but the ugly scars still remains.  Every time, I repeat, every single time I see a stranger talking to a young kid (could be a stranger to me, again), I panic. There is this sensation of profuse sweating and breathlessness, only that no one can see it. I am imagining things I am not supposed to.  The logical sense in me knows that not all are some evil molesters trying to take over anyone falling in their eye sight. But the sensitive being in me keeps rining the warning bells.

One of my friends vouches that there would not be a single woman who had not been groped at least once in her life time. Is it true? Would my mom, aunt, granny, and my best friend too have gone through this? Is it alright to take it as part of life and move on? It scares me more. If they faced it, how are they OK? I am never OK. People who are acquainted with me know me as an extrovert. I am not. My big smile, being talkative, maintaining eye-contact, is my ways of hiding my insecurity. Those are my hopes that I do not send the wrong signal to the other person – be it a woman or a man. I strongly believe and know that wrongdoers are not gender specific. I also know that looks are deceiving.

I had been to a friend’s place over the weekend. My friend asked her 11yr old daughter to run up to another neighbor’s house to convey/ get something. I panicked. I so know that she and the neighbor are like BFF. I suddenly became chippy and told her to go herself or call her up over the phone. Before my friend could sense the tension in my voice, I started talking about something else. I did not want them to know. What if they judge me crazy? At the same time, I wanted them to know and wanted them to be extra precautions.

I have no clue where this would take me to. I live with my fears and also live each day with the joys it brings. I am being a very cautious parent now. The day I knew I am to be a mom soon, I vowed to educate my child to be aware of people around him, to be intuitive, to be courageous and most of to treat every other human with respect. To Live and let live, in peace.

Thought Thought Photography Project - 365 days (I)

Its been long since I wrote anything or did any photography - 2 things that helps me get creative. Since July 1st this year, I have taken up a  second 365 days photography project  - involving people and their thoughts.

In this I meet my friends, family, acquaintances, strangers,... and ask them to write one positive thought or quote that they like and would like to share with others. I then take a pic of them with the quote that inspires then and post it here.

I would be updating this post everyday with the quote, as and when I post the pic for the day in that blog.

1. 01July13: Nithil - Mumbe bhaapbap grrr mumumum unnggggu aaaaaaaaaa ki (That is what he said when he wrote his thought)
2. 02July13: Rajesh - Feel the fear and do it anyway
3. 03July13:  Srilatha - When you start truly loving yourself, the world starts loving you.
4. 04July13:  Rajesh Gonapa - Attitude is Everything.
5. 05July13: Mary - It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.
6. 06July13: Devika - Keep trying and you will succeed.
7. 07July13: Anjali - An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
8. 08July13: Roshna - Dont just stand there, there is nothing to it; Strike a pose, lets get to it.
9. 09July13: Gargi - I do believe in faries; I do I do.
10. 10July13: Tina - Practice makes man perfect.
11. 11July13: Thilak - Change your thoughts and you change your world.
12. 12July13: Niyatha - For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of your happiness.
13. 13July13: Naline - Kuzhalinidhu Yazhinidhu enbar tham mazhalaisol kelaadhaar.
14. 14July13: Sathish - If you are rooted in reality, there is no fear.
15. 15July13: Rajan - Smile is a curve that makes everything straight.
16. 16July13: Sumit - A chance is always powerful. Let your hooks be always cast in the pool where you least expect. There will be a fish.
17. 17July13: Gayathri - You can achieve it all if you rise each time you fall. The best is yet to come.
18. 18July13: Kathy - Dream and dedications makes man perfect.
19. 19July13: Peasha - SShhhhh....
20. 20July13: Mallai - Knowledge is Bliss
21. 21July13: Vel - Be Strong, Be Sexy, Be Wild, Be U
22. 22July13: Sandya - Live and Let Live, Please !!!
23. 23July13: Champaka - Don't give up what you want the most for what you want now!!!
24. 24July13: Saravana Ganesh - Smoking is injurious to health; Worship the genius
25. 25July13: Raj kamal - Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things. So think positive and be optimistic.
26. 26July13: Lekha - You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
27. 27July13: Jeevika - Change your mental attitude and the world around you will change accordingly.
28. 28July13: Amma - Unmaiyaana uzhaipe vaanzhvin unmaiyaana vetrikku adithalam
29. 29July13: Rajith - Reject Rejection
30. 30July13: Raj - Life is like a photograph, you need the negatives to develop.
31. 31July13: Vimal - Hard work beats talent when talent does not work hard.
32. 01Aug13: Anurag - Failure is not an option.
33. 02Aug13: DJ Bharadwaj - Ordinary people have big TVs, extraordinary people have big libraries.
34. 03Aug13: Niharika - Karka kasadara katravai katrapin nirka adharku thaga.
35. 04Aug13: MIL - Suttramum natpum thodarkadhai dhaan mudive illadhadhu.
36. 05Aug13: Shiv - (im)possible, (un)able - Change your way of thinking, change your life.
37. 06Aug13: Krishna - Do good for people, do good work, think good thoughts, be good to yourself and good things will happen.
38. 07Aug13: Akshata - There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty.
39. 08Aug13: Prathima - Life has 2 rules. 1. Never Quit; 2. Remember the first rule
40. 09Aug13: Anusha - Make peace with your past so it wont trouble your present.
41. 10Aug13: Chaitanya - When everything is against you, remember that the airplane take off against the wind and not with it.
42. 11Aug13: FIL-  Men may come and Men may go, but I go on for ever.
43. 12Aug13: Girijesh - To succeed in life, you need two things - Confidence and Ignorance.
44. 13Aug13: Mahendra -  Learn to live with the things you cannot change.
45. 14Aug13: Anupma - Success will be within your reach only when you start reaching out for it.
46. 15Aug13: Savithri - Do what makes you happy, be with who makes you smile, laugh as long as you breath and love as long as you live.
47. 16Aug13: Vidaya - Things do not happen. Things are made to happen.
48. 17Aug13: Vaish - Education is a vaccine for violence.
49. 18Aug13: Harikiran -  Know more than others, Work more than others, Expect less that others - leads to success.
50. 19Aug13: Deepika - When you truly want to succeed, never ever give up.
51. 20Aug13: Padma Priya - Changing the face can change nothing, but facing the change can change everything.
52. 21Aug13: Veda - Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear; not absence of fear.
53. 22Aug13: Aunty - Vidhyadhanam Saravathilum Pradhaanam - Knowledge is Wealth.
54. 23Aug13: Ankit Kapoor - The only way to stay sane is to go a little crazy.
55. 24Aug13: Me - Hakuna Matata
56. 25Aug13: Krishna - There is nothing good or bad; Only thinking makes it so.
57. 26Aug13: Karupaiah - Ookuvithaal OOku Virpavanum Thaeku Virpaan - If encouraged, even a layman would become a tycoon.
58. 27Aug13: Shilpa - The best way to stay healthy and peaceful is to stop torturing your brain with unnecessary thoughts.
59. 28Aug13: Mahesh - You become who you believe.
60. 29Aug13: Chandru - Doing our work sincerely with 100% involvement and without any expectations, will surely take us to great heights in life.
61. 30Aug13: JP - Endha viyarvaikum vetri oru naal ver veikkum - Every sweat shed will water victory and make it grow. 
62. 31Aug13: Surya - You can, you should. If you are brave enough to start, you will.
63. 01Sept13: Elango - Every experience teaches you lessons. If you can share them with others, You become God.
64. 02Sept13: Tameem - There is no wrong time to do the right thing.
65. 03Sept13: Rameshwar - The past to prove that no one is perfect and the future is to prove that everyone can change.
66. 04Sept13: Prasad - Once you choose hope, anythings possible.
67. 05Sept13: Reena - Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.
68. 06Sept13: Akshay Jain - If you so what you have always done, you will get what you've always gotten.
69. 07Sept13: Muthu - When you point your finger blaming others, remember that three fingers point at you.
70. 08Sept13: Sita - First thought is the best thought.
71. 09Sept13: Sultan Bhai - Evar oru manidharai vaazhaveikiraaro, avar manidhargal yaavaraiyum vaazhaveithavarpol aavar - One who helps even a single person survive is as good as helping the entire human race survive.
72. 10Sept13: Mansoor - Wasting time is also a crime.
73. 11Sept13: Priyanka - Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.
74. 12Sept13: Sumana - Patience is the best remedy for all troubles.
75. 13Sept13: Miguel Garcia - Things always get better.
76. 14Sept13: Nikita - The difference between who you are and who wanna be is in what you do.
77. 15Sept13: Bruno - I know who I am,but I don't know who others are.
78. 16Sept13: Raziya - God asks no man whether he will accept life; you much take it. The only question is HOW?
79. 17Sept13: Susheela - To succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
80. 18Sept13: Rani - Where there is determination and will power, there is life.
81. 19Sept13: Jyothsna - If you want to stop hurting yourself, you much get rid of your anger and becoming loving instead.
82. 20Sept13: Senthil : Never give up on something if you can still fight for it. Remember it is difficult to wait but it is more difficult when you regret.
83. 21Sept13: Lamkey Dorji - With great power comes great responsibility.
84. 22Sept13: Meow - If opportunity does not knock, build a door.
85. 23Sept13: Dude - Always trust your instincts.
86. 24Sept13: Reshma - Think Big. Don't shrink your dreams. Super-size your courage and abilities.
87. 25Sept13: Rajesh Tarikar - When you want to give up, remember why you started.
88. 26Sept13: Anish - Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.
89. 27Sept13: Rama - Why complicate? We've just 1 life. Keep it simple.
90. 28Sept13: Hari Krish - Keep in real.
91. 29Sept13: Prajitha - Whatever Works.
92. 30Sept13: Biswajit - I want happiness.
93. 01Oct13: Punith - Work on simple logic. Give the best to whatever you do in life.
94. 02Oct13: Eevera - Life is like a mirror.
95. 03Oct13: Aunty - Vendudhal vendamai ilanadiserndharku yaandumidumpai ila.
96. 04Oct13: Ravi -  Character is like a tree and reputation is like the shadow. The shadow is what we think of it but the real thing is the tree.
97. 05Oct13: Saravanakumar - Theedhum Nandrum Pirarthara Vaara.
98. 06Oct13: Vinod - In a gentle way, you can shake the world.
99. 07Oct13: Mausumi - Lets not crave for perfection..Lets enjoy the joys of life as it is with bounty of smiles and smiles.
100. 08Oct13: Murali Krish - Carpe Diem!!!

If Only .....

Another year has passed..... Another year of missing you...

I never told you that I loved you... because in the blink of an eye you were gone and I wonder if you had thought that I dint care for you.
You have now sent another "you" to me and I've to wait for some more time for you to come into this world... for me to feel your love and for you to know that I loved you always.

I only wish now that you had stayed with me back then and helped me do my responsibility and then let me go my way... instead of you having gone your way.

Missing you my darling.... Guess I'll miss you forever.

Nothing is same without you…

Its May 25th, 2011. A year today since you left me… I think of you everyday and still I miss you. A very very difficult year is behind me. Not knowing you have come into our life, being ignorant and then finally losing you forver…. terrible.

It has been raining since early morning… in sync with my mood today. Not a day passes by without wondering how my life would’ve been if you had decided to stay with me. The pain I went through on that fateful day is only a tit-bit of the agony I go through everyday without you in my arms.

What would you have grown up into? A boy or a girl? Fair skinned or brown? Unruly hair? So many imaginations kept running in my head for a week that I knew  you were within me. I wished you to be a girl and chose the name ‘Samiksha’ and by chance if you were a boy…. sorry, no name was in mind. But then, you decided to crush those happy thoughts and pushed me into an endless abyss from which I am yet to surface.

Life would have been so much better for both of us  if you had stayed around. What was the hurry? Why did you leave? Would be fun if you decide to come back.

Missing you, baby. Please come back….

பார்த்தேன் சிரித்தேன் யோசித்தேன்…

முதல் முதலா தமிழ்ல எழுதறேன். கண்டபடி ஸ்பெல்லிங் மிஸ்டேக் இருக்கும். கண்டுக்காதீங்க :)

ரொம்ப நாள் கழிச்சு நல்லா சிரிச்சு ஒரு படம் பார்த்தேன். அதான் 2004ல வந்த 50 First Dates.

ஆடம் சாண்ட்லர், ட்ரூ பேரிமோர், அம்னீஷியா மற்றும் காதல் தான் கேரக்டர்ஸ். படம் ஸ்டார்ட்டிங் டு எண்ட் நல்லா சிரிக்கலாம். இது உலக சினிமா எல்லாம் இல்லை… ஒரு ஆர்டினரி ரோம்-காம். But கண்டிப்பா பார்க்கவேண்டிய படம்னு தான் நான் சொல்வேன். நான் விமர்சனம் எல்லாம் எழுதபோறது இல்லவேயில்லை. பயப்படாதீங்க :)

இந்த படத்தோட செண்டிமெண்ட் “Falling in love with the same person over and over again”.

சிம்பிள் ஸ்டோரி லைன்… ஆனா செம லாஜிகல். நம்ம தினசரி வாழ்க்கைல இத்த ஃபாலோ பண்ணாலே போதும். வீட்ல ஒரு பிரச்சனையும் வராது. சிம்ப்ளி fall in love with your spouse again and again… everyday. நடைமுறையில் கஷ்டம் தான்.. ஏன்? நாம் நேற்றைய சண்டைகளை மட்டுமா நினைவில் வைத்திருக்கிறோம்… சென்ற வாரம், சென்ற மாதம், சென்ற வருடம் என சச்சரவு பட்டியல் எல்லாதையுமே அந்த சின்ன மண்டைக்குள்ளே போட்டு நாமளும் குழம்பி நம்ம வீட்ல இருக்குறவங்களையும் குழப்பி…. உஸ்ஸ்ஸ்ஸ்

ஆனா சும்மா சொல்லக் கூடாது… சிலர் இதுக்கெல்லாம் அப்பாற்பட்டு இருப்பாங்க. நேத்து சொன்னதையே மறந்துபோய் சந்தோஷமா இருப்பாங்க. நாம தான் என்னடா இப்டி இருக்காங்களேன்னு மண்டைய ஒடச்சுகிட்டு புது பிரச்சனைய ஆரம்பிப்போம்.

ஒரு வகைல பார்த்தா இந்த படத்தோட ஹீரோயின் போல இருந்துட்டா நல்லதோன்னு தோணுது. ஒரு வாக்கியம் உண்டு “Never go to sleep angry”. எவ்வளவு பேரு இத follow பண்ணுறாங்க? சத்தியமா நான் அந்த catergoryல இல்லை. இனிமே try பண்ணலாம்.

என்னோட கருத்து… நல்ல நினைவுகளை மட்டும் நினைவில் வைத்து லெட்ஸ் மேக் வே டு எ ஹாப்பி ஹோம் :-)

Not Me….

It is not me anymore….

Days are gone, I know

Ideas were a blessing in disguise, a boon.

Days are here, I know

Hints are a badger.

Days will come, I know

Proffers no more sprout….

It is not me anymore.

I was Him… The Kite Runner

The optimist pleasantly ponders how high his kite will fly; the pessimist woefully wonders how soon his kite will fall. (Quote by - William Arthur Ward)

Last night I got to see the world acclaimed movie ‘The Kite Runner’ after postponing forever to watch it only after I read the book (which never happened). Just loved the movie every bit of it. To actually know that the movie was shot in China and not in Afghanistan is itself hard to believe.

No no. No review of the movie here. All those childhood days spent by Amir and Hassan flying kites, brought back memories of my own childhood (as usual). I was transported back in time to the days when we had the kite flying season, the hot hot summers. My brother was a very avid Kite Flier and with me having to say, I was his Kite Runner. 

Being 5 years younger than him made him the BOSS and me him supporter. I wonder who in the world chose the summer days as the season for flying kites. May be its the time of the year when kids have enough time to make or buy ‘n’ number of those crazy kites and tan themselves to look like urchins.  I do not know how they make kites any where else in the world except how my brother and his friends make.

It is an art making kites that can actually fly. Lots of paper thin(???) scrap papers or polythene sheets, home made glue, newspapers, those thin sticks on the leaves of coconut trees, twine, spool, etc filled our small house’s living room. Most of the trial kites made were from newspapers. Forget about all that and listen to how these guys made me their slave during the kite season.

As in the movie, fellows did not just fly kites for the fun of it, it was mostly to cut the kites of others. So you see, we needed a lot of strategy in doing this. Core competency was in the twine that gets wound in the spool of the kite. I was like this Hutch puppy back then (literally) going around my brother the whole day during the vacations. So I was asked to help (??) with the processing of the twine. You have got to make a paste of some ingredients to apply on the twine, let it dry and then spool it up to the kite. Now, a non-kite flier could never guess what makes that yucky paste… it has powdered glass pieces, eggs, Maida (all purpose flour) and neem tree glue (the brown sticky thing secreted in the tree – the deeper the cut made in the tree, more sticky glue is obtained).  As a fan of my brother, I was honored with the job of powdering the glass pieces, getting the neem tree glue while its still sticky (am confused if we used this glue), make Maida paste in the right consistency. After all this is done, the experts break in the egg into this, apply it to the entire bundle of twine and the end product is what is called Maanja. I have no clue why its called so.

The maanja takes 2-3 days of preparing time before its gets attached to the Kite. The swing bars, push-up bars in the playground and the clothes line posts are used very effectively to dry this twine. No gloves those days… so polythene covers played the role. Role up 2-3 polythene bags to your hands and start working the maanja on the twine. After 3 days the cut-throat weapon of the Kites community is ready.

All the hardships vaporize in to thin air when we see our own kites soar up into the clouds like colorful hawks, out there to catch its prey. The kite flying competitions that we had with kids from neighboring colonies, foes turning into pals, sharing kite and maanja making secrets, all was fun. As soon as a kite was cut, me the Kite Runner for all of them on the ground & on the terrace shouting out, ‘I’ll get it, I’ll get it’ until I get it. I loved the funny, cute, wiggly tails that the different kites had. The sad part was, I always chased those kites and wanted them for myself, which never happened. The owners claimed it back :(

Unlike in Afghanistan, flying kites in not banned in the city where all this happened back then. But unfortunately,  summers for the kids now has no place for the Kites. Its more of video games and movies. I wish and hope the parents who had the fun and thrill of flying kites in their childhood encourage their children to cherish the taste of it.