It has been ages since I wrote; and never before about my frights.
I mean, internet (a.k.a social network) is not the place to reveal your
insecurities. Though being in a secure, loving family; married to the most
trust worthy guy I’ve ever known, having life-long male friends, etc my fears
of being mishandled has not reduced. As I grew older, my fears have only
increased.
The wounds caused by few incidents in the by-gone days and experiences shared by my girlfriends were deep. They
have definitely healed but the ugly scars still remains. Every time, I repeat, every single time I see
a stranger talking to a young kid (could be a stranger to me, again), I panic.
There is this sensation of profuse sweating and breathlessness, only that no
one can see it. I am imagining things I am not supposed to. The logical sense in me knows that not all are
some evil molesters trying to take over anyone falling in their eye sight. But
the sensitive being in me keeps rining the warning bells.
One of my friends vouches that there would not be a single
woman who had not been groped at least once in her life time. Is it true? Would
my mom, aunt, granny, and my best friend too have gone through this? Is it
alright to take it as part of life and move on? It scares me more. If they
faced it, how are they OK? I am never OK. People who are acquainted with me
know me as an extrovert. I am not. My big smile, being talkative, maintaining
eye-contact, is my ways of hiding my insecurity. Those are my hopes that I do
not send the wrong signal to the other person – be it a woman or a man. I
strongly believe and know that wrongdoers are not gender specific. I also know
that looks are deceiving.
I had been to a friend’s place over the weekend. My friend
asked her 11yr old daughter to run up to another neighbor’s house to convey/
get something. I panicked. I so know that she and the neighbor are like BFF. I
suddenly became chippy and told her to go herself or call her up over the
phone. Before my friend could sense the tension in my voice, I started talking
about something else. I did not want them to know. What if they judge me crazy?
At the same time, I wanted them to know and wanted them to be extra precautions.
I have no clue where this would take me to. I live with my
fears and also live each day with the joys it brings. I am being a very
cautious parent now. The day I knew I am to be a mom soon, I vowed to educate
my child to be aware of people around him, to be intuitive, to be courageous
and most of to treat every other human with respect. To Live and let live, in
peace.
