My Fear

It has been ages since I wrote; and never before about my frights. I mean, internet (a.k.a social network) is not the place to reveal your insecurities. Though being in a secure, loving family; married to the most trust worthy guy I’ve ever known, having life-long male friends, etc my fears of being mishandled has not reduced. As I grew older, my fears have only increased.

The wounds caused by few incidents in the by-gone days and experiences shared by my girlfriends were deep. They have definitely healed but the ugly scars still remains.  Every time, I repeat, every single time I see a stranger talking to a young kid (could be a stranger to me, again), I panic. There is this sensation of profuse sweating and breathlessness, only that no one can see it. I am imagining things I am not supposed to.  The logical sense in me knows that not all are some evil molesters trying to take over anyone falling in their eye sight. But the sensitive being in me keeps rining the warning bells.

One of my friends vouches that there would not be a single woman who had not been groped at least once in her life time. Is it true? Would my mom, aunt, granny, and my best friend too have gone through this? Is it alright to take it as part of life and move on? It scares me more. If they faced it, how are they OK? I am never OK. People who are acquainted with me know me as an extrovert. I am not. My big smile, being talkative, maintaining eye-contact, is my ways of hiding my insecurity. Those are my hopes that I do not send the wrong signal to the other person – be it a woman or a man. I strongly believe and know that wrongdoers are not gender specific. I also know that looks are deceiving.

I had been to a friend’s place over the weekend. My friend asked her 11yr old daughter to run up to another neighbor’s house to convey/ get something. I panicked. I so know that she and the neighbor are like BFF. I suddenly became chippy and told her to go herself or call her up over the phone. Before my friend could sense the tension in my voice, I started talking about something else. I did not want them to know. What if they judge me crazy? At the same time, I wanted them to know and wanted them to be extra precautions.

I have no clue where this would take me to. I live with my fears and also live each day with the joys it brings. I am being a very cautious parent now. The day I knew I am to be a mom soon, I vowed to educate my child to be aware of people around him, to be intuitive, to be courageous and most of to treat every other human with respect. To Live and let live, in peace.

Nothing is same without you…

Its May 25th, 2011. A year today since you left me… I think of you everyday and still I miss you. A very very difficult year is behind me. Not knowing you have come into our life, being ignorant and then finally losing you forver…. terrible.

It has been raining since early morning… in sync with my mood today. Not a day passes by without wondering how my life would’ve been if you had decided to stay with me. The pain I went through on that fateful day is only a tit-bit of the agony I go through everyday without you in my arms.

What would you have grown up into? A boy or a girl? Fair skinned or brown? Unruly hair? So many imaginations kept running in my head for a week that I knew  you were within me. I wished you to be a girl and chose the name ‘Samiksha’ and by chance if you were a boy…. sorry, no name was in mind. But then, you decided to crush those happy thoughts and pushed me into an endless abyss from which I am yet to surface.

Life would have been so much better for both of us  if you had stayed around. What was the hurry? Why did you leave? Would be fun if you decide to come back.

Missing you, baby. Please come back….

There is no real evil in life, except great pain; all the rest is imaginary, and depends on the light in which we view things.

For the first time in my very short blogging experience, today I write about some unpleasant thoughts that keep haunting my life recently…

Many know me as an extrovert, fun to have me around, bubbly, mature, etc. May be I am all that to the outer world. Only those very close to me realize that am a wet blanket at many occasions, a pain in the neck, and an indecisive, callow person.

Who actually am I? Why do I appear as two different person to myself and to those around me? I do not know. But the only truth I can stick to is… I do not fake about what I am to others, and NEVER to the ones close to my heart. Is that why they find me to be such a weirdo? If am a weirdo, why do I still find them close to me? What am I?

Too many questions… too many answers with lots of ifs and buts. Where would I find a teacher who would look into my answers to the questions I throw at myself and evaluate what is right and what went wrong. God… it’s a very complicated thought that keeps running in my mind and takes me into a labyrinth of unwanted ideas. But who decides which idea is necessary and which is not.

I know am rebellious in many ways compared to the kith I grew up with. Though the elders around knew what I was asking or doing was most often logical and practical… I was forced to succumb to the “society” culture that’s prevails. I’ve tried to be part of the so called ‘live & let live’ life and have often let others live their life rather than look back and decide to LIVE my life. I know that’s a huge sacrifice that I did. The worst pain a human can suffer is to have insight into much and power over nothing. That’s my story.

Love… what a complicated four lettered feeling. I’ve read --> “Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust.” Does it mean that to trust and love your family is to feel pain all your life? If I had known and was taught that love brings pain, I would have remained an atheist to love.

I would quote Vivekananda here - ‘This misery that I am suffering is of my own doing, and that very thing proves that it will have to be undone by me alone. That which I created, I can demolish; that which is created by someone else, I shall never be able to destroy. Therefore, stand up, be bold, be strong. Take the whole responsibility on your own shoulders, and know that you are the creators of your own destiny. All the strength and succor you want is within ourselves.’

They are too good to read and fathom the words. Wish I could get the strength to take the responsibility for my own miseries.

Sometimes waiting for a solution is the best solution. Other times, forgetting unpleasant moments are the solutions. “Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”

Sorry this one is a little depressing… I just found a small vent to my thoughts through this… I believe this outlet will take me through this day in a better way.

To all readers...Have a Great Life ahead :)