For the first time in my very short blogging experience, today I write about some unpleasant thoughts that keep haunting my life recently…
Many know me as an extrovert, fun to have me around, bubbly, mature, etc. May be I am all that to the outer world. Only those very close to me realize that am a wet blanket at many occasions, a pain in the neck, and an indecisive, callow person.
Who actually am I? Why do I appear as two different person to myself and to those around me? I do not know. But the only truth I can stick to is… I do not fake about what I am to others, and NEVER to the ones close to my heart. Is that why they find me to be such a weirdo? If am a weirdo, why do I still find them close to me? What am I?
Too many questions… too many answers with lots of ifs and buts. Where would I find a teacher who would look into my answers to the questions I throw at myself and evaluate what is right and what went wrong. God… it’s a very complicated thought that keeps running in my mind and takes me into a labyrinth of unwanted ideas. But who decides which idea is necessary and which is not.
I know am rebellious in many ways compared to the kith I grew up with. Though the elders around knew what I was asking or doing was most often logical and practical… I was forced to succumb to the “society” culture that’s prevails. I’ve tried to be part of the so called ‘live & let live’ life and have often let others live their life rather than look back and decide to LIVE my life. I know that’s a huge sacrifice that I did. The worst pain a human can suffer is to have insight into much and power over nothing. That’s my story.
Love… what a complicated four lettered feeling. I’ve read --> “Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust.” Does it mean that to trust and love your family is to feel pain all your life? If I had known and was taught that love brings pain, I would have remained an atheist to love.
I would quote Vivekananda here - ‘This misery that I am suffering is of my own doing, and that very thing proves that it will have to be undone by me alone. That which I created, I can demolish; that which is created by someone else, I shall never be able to destroy. Therefore, stand up, be bold, be strong. Take the whole responsibility on your own shoulders, and know that you are the creators of your own destiny. All the strength and succor you want is within ourselves.’
They are too good to read and fathom the words. Wish I could get the strength to take the responsibility for my own miseries.
Sometimes waiting for a solution is the best solution. Other times, forgetting unpleasant moments are the solutions. “Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”
Sorry this one is a little depressing… I just found a small vent to my thoughts through this… I believe this outlet will take me through this day in a better way.
To all readers...Have a Great Life ahead :)
